Life & Love"Dating Women Was a Default for Me", Says Twenty–One Year old Nigerian Queer Woman, IvySharon Chidra JonahMay 12, 2022

Sometimes, the term "queer" doesn't live up to its meaning. It's not out of the ordinary for some people to be odd or different. It is the general nature of existence. It's the 21st century, being gay or queer isn't as shocking as it once was. In an interview with Ivy, a twenty-one-year-old bisexual woman, we discussed how she discovered her love for women at a very early age and is now questioning her bisexuality but with men. 

“Growing up, most of my friends were girls and for some reason, I never really cared about boys or even thought about them. At that time, it just felt normal for girls to be with girls, and it probably made me more inclined towards feeling cozy and safe with girls. Although, the real game–starter was with the popular kids’ game/drama mummy and daddy, and I always took the sister–sister and mother–daughter role.”


“It's important to mention that I’ve never had issues with men, especially relating to sexual harassment. Contrary to the popular beliefs that women often shift their sexual preferences because of trauma resulting from an assault from a man, it isn’t always the case. Take my case for instance, liking women has just always been a default for me.” 

Have you ever dated guys? Have you had any history with them?

“I have dated guys in the past, but I wouldn't compare the experience to the ones with women.  Dating guys was never satisfactory, it always felt like something was missing and I was giving an essential part of me away. Before I started becoming aware of the terms ‘LGBTQ’, I already knew I liked women. I found them attractive, and I couldn’t stop the overwhelming emotions surrounding attraction from building.”


When was your first experience with a girl? 

“My first experience with a girl, more like the first time I ever had feelings was in primary school.  I wouldn't like to go so much into details, but it was in primary school, and she was younger than me.”


What was your relationship with guys like?

“Imagine being in a class, but not being into that class. You keep waiting for time to pass so you can leave, that's how it was for me. It really wasn't exciting. Out of a 100, I'll give it a 40. I always felt I was just there to be there, and I could leave at any time without feeling a thing.”


So, there were differences in your relationship between boys and girls?

“Yes, definitely. Even though I consider myself Bisexual, my attraction towards girls is different than towards boys. With women, it’s more intense and I tend to move faster with them. Being in a relationship with men always came with rules like 'don't do this on your first date' kind of thing. I used to watch videos like 'when to know a guy likes you.' And when I was with a guy, I had to be extra careful about a lot of things including my thoughts. There's just so much complexity with them, but with women, it's different. Of course, women can be complex and confusing, but things just flow better.”


“The first guy I dated was in SS2. We dated from SS2 to graduation, and that was because I broke up with him immediately after graduation, like the month after it. I felt like there was no point in everything with him. I was fourteen at the time.”

“While in relationship with guys, I get attracted to other women, but I am a committed and loyal person and I never act on my feelings. That’s my way of remaining respectful to my partner.”


How do you feel right now–relationship-wise?

“Right now, I don't want to date guys anymore. I avoid it. Although, I mentioned being bisexual, lately, I have been questioning that. I am now, more than ever, in contact with queer people and those in the LGBTQ community. I have been getting a lot of opinions from them; some said I'm probably asexual, and others said I am transitioning from being bisexual to being a lesbian. When I see a guy, I can get attracted to him without wanting to be involved sexually. Sexual activities in my previous relationships with men was only for them, never for me. I only wanted the experience, and I never went past making out with them.”


Is there any woman in the picture right now? 

“There was recently, but not currently. And the truth is, I have never actually been in a relationship with a woman. Situationships? Yes, but I wouldn't call it a relationship. Women can be very complex, but I choose them over men any day. I have better connection with them, and they understand me better. 


It's like the connection I had with the women I had been in situationships with was a lot deeper than anything I ever felt with the men I had actual relationships with.” 

“I recently ended my situationship with a girl I really liked, and it ended because she wasn't ready for a relationship. We are still friends now, but at the time, I felt we were in a relationship. I was always at her place and she at mine, she would cook for me and bring to class, she even decided to give me her spare key to have access to her house anytime I wanted. I just wanted that girlfriend and girlfriend title. I wanted to make things official, but she had other plans.”


“But I did love her, and it felt so soft and unbelievable. The excitement I got when I saw her was on another level. These were things I never had with guys. I have dated three guys and the last was a situationship and that was when I decided I wouldn’t go further with men. It’s not my thing.” 

“I read a lot of romance novels and I see how love is being depicted, it always made me think 'Why don't I feel this with guys?' I never had these thoughts with women. It was like how the romance books described it, even more.”